By DS Davidson
Going where no man has gone before
In such luxurious accommodation
Discovering strange new worlds
Filled with tourist traps
Roaming the galaxy
Without danger or daring
Bringing home crates
Of tacky souvenirs
Ex-X Prize Experience
By Cardinal Cox
There’s only ten thousand things to go wrong
Tons of high explosive fuel underneath
Earth far below will cue the caged bird’s song
Grip your jaw to stop chattering teeth
Then you’re too busy to think about fear
On flame you climb into vacuum of space
If you go up to orbit twice a year
Still think about wreckage scattered round place
That mere moments ago you were launched from
Once you’re up and passengers get their thrills
You have to turn around this flying bomb
Re-entry scrabbling to add to its kills
At any time you’re one inch from dying
Yet fools are queuing up to go flying
By K. A. Williams
“Did you hear the rumours that there are space pirates in this sector?” the woman with the sparkling diamond necklace asked me in the dining room while I was filling my plate with choice items from the buffet table.
“I’m sure the captain and crew know how to deal with space pirates. This isn’t their first cruise; they travel this area all the time,” I said just before the ship rocked and we heard a loud boom.
“This is the captain,” said a voice on the intercom. “Everything is fine. But it might be better if everyone would go to their rooms and stay for just a little while.”
“Belay that order, me fine passengers,” said a different voice. “This is Captain Tanbeard. I humbly request ye presence in the dining room for a wee chat.”
The woman with the diamond necklace took it off quickly and hid it under the coffee pot. Other people started hiding their jewelry out of sight as well.
Captain Tanbeard swept into the room and bowed to the ladies. He was dressed like pirates of olden days, sword and all. I laughed until he pointed his sword at me. “If you don’t find me some treasure lad, I’ll be taking ye with me as a cabin boy, even if you’re a bit too old.”
I didn’t need any more persuasion and quickly pointed out all the jewelry that the women and men had hidden.
“Much obliged,” he said to me while the other passengers glared.
A week later the Squawking Goose docked at the space station. I was glad to get off the ship. Everyone blamed me for the loss of their jewelry, but I knew the items were insured because I’d overheard some of them talking about it.
The bar closest to the docks had rough customers that stared at me when I entered but only for a second before they turned back to their conversations.
A hand clapped my shoulder and I turned to see Captain Tanbeard, sans pirate disguise. He handed me my share and a ticket. “See you in two weeks, son.”
The Neptune Adventure
By DJ Tyrer
Spaceship in Neptunian orbit
Capsized by solar storm
Flipped upside down
Thanks to artificial gravity
Nobody notices nor cares
Originally published on Grievous Angel
By Mark Hudson
From Dawn till Dusk,
climb aboard with Elon Musk.
Play a little backgammon,
with James Cameron.
Come aboard with William Shatner,
in search of the ghost of Gilda Radner.
We might even find John Belushi,
sitting on Mars eating some Sushi.
It’s your intergalactic celebrity cruise,
All you have to do is pay your dues.
Do it before you get too old,
outer space never been so cold!
Are you enjoying shuffleboard?
Oh wait, passenger overboard!
Your wife just slipped away into space!
We got tired of seeing her face!
We are starting to go into orbit,
reading books by Scott Corbett.
We get attacked by asteroids,
the captain has bad hemorrhoids.
We might not make it back to earth,
we won’t be pulling into our berth.
Hope you can hold on for a minute,
you are going into space infinite!