Issue 72 – Scoundrels

Bold selfish villain…
Aggregate Humanity,
a scoundrel defined.

By David Edwards

honour among thieves?
ask them to watch your treasure…
too soon it is gone!

By DJ Tyrer

merry Robin Hood
relieves you of your burden
bag of heavy gold

By Aeronwy Dafies

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Sheriff of Nottinghamshire, Derbyshire and the Royal Forests
By Cardinal Cox

Foris – outside, as in laws of the land
And I am placed, by royal will, in charge
Mine then is the appointed heavy hand
That directs the lowly yeomen at large

Yet I am defied by rogues and outlaws
Who lurk and ambush amongst Sherwood’s trees
Claiming they busy steal for they are so poor
If I catch them they will no more be free

Nottingham Castle and a short rough rope
Awaits the whole unkempt and motley gang
There will be no mercy for them, no hope
Remorse? Regrets? I will feel no such pang

The Hood? No one will remember his name
As liege to the crown I deserve the fame

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Nighttime Excursion
By K. A. Williams

Candles alight the hallways
Shadows dance on walls
Grand rooms await my presence

Flasks lay beside sleeping guards
Secret gifts from me
Witch’s potion worth the price

Glittering jewelry calls
Swag wrapped up in sheet
I slip out the castle doors

Mistake
By DJ Tyrer

Magical horns are worth a fortune, which is why we’d braved the hordes of rabid goblins and savage elves, plus customs agents, to bring back our quarry, to the city, alive.

Here,” I said, unveiling the beast.

That’s not a unicorn,” said the Dwarven ambassador, “that’s a rhino. Kill them!”

Ends

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Auto Graveyard
By Mark Hudson

I’m thinking about parking in the dark,
I’m thinking about cars from loan sharks.
I’m thinking about the used car salesman,
he is telling a lot of tall tales, man.
I’m thinking about the upholsteries,
I’m thinking about the ghost of these.
I’m seeing an auto graveyard,
I’m trying to be a brave heart.
The used car salesman is glowing,
the car he’s selling is towing.
Smoke is coming out of his ears,
his red face does not have cheer.
he says, “buy this car, now!”
but his offer I will not allow.
Headed for the streets, I walk,
I’m tired of the car salesman’s talk.
He dances over the river Styx,
and I’m not falling for his tricks.

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Dashing smuggler ally/friend
Hides you in cargo
Sells you to some aliens

By DS Davidson

The Obnoxious Adventures of Skepp “Too Easy” Grafflin
By Harris Coverley

I stole a rocket
Just yesterday
From orphans who
Were in my way

I split Phobos
As I ran
Meteor storm?
Don’t give a damn!

Smashed a dam on Mars
And then I fled
Flooded canals
Across the Great Red

Robbed a Martian bank
With a laser gat —
I iced three clerks
And stomped a cat

Disguised myself
As a man of creed
Got on a shuttle
To Ganymede

A frozen swamp
I had to leave —
Hijacked a starship
To the Pleiades

Dumped the cargo
On far Pluto
The crew on Styx
Their oxygen low

Faster-than-light
The cosmic ballet —
A life of crime
Up freedom alley

Too Easy” yeah
That’s the name —
And if you were me
You’d live the same!

Try to catch me
If you bastards can
System to system —
High on the lam!

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on ev’ry planet
same old story reoccurs
human treachery

By DJ Tyrer

Issue 71 – Lost Halls of Ancient Mountain Kings

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Postfuture King
By Harris Coverley

atomic bunker
very core of the mountain
the walls all whisper:
our genius has survived!”
all hail the King of Nothing!”

New Myths
By Aeronwy Dafies

In hidden bunker
Men made of metal slumber
Awaiting the call
Like Arthur in his cavern
Turning old myths into new

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Vault
By DJ Tyrer

Down damp corridors long devoid of light, deeper into the antiseptic fortress. Grey walls revealed by flickering torchlight, no guards from an elder age, no insects skittering, no strange monsters, just emptiness sealed for centuries.

Reach the vault, further heavy doors to prise open. Success. Strange white lights return to life, resume an unnatural, steady glow. Pause to marvel at the tomb.

Sword ready, yet still no threat, guards or demons, enter the vault, untouched by the ages, seeking treasure of such great value.

Locate it. Seeds. Tiny repositories of life, with which to rebuild the ravaged world. Perfect. Priceless.

Ends

Originally published in Drabble Harvest issue 15 (February 2020)

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The Hall of Mt. Rushmore King
By Mark Hudson

With America’ famous faces,
sculpted to the wall,
ghosts haunt these places,
the mountain king’s hall.

A gravelly road outside of Keystone,
leads to Mountain View Cemetery.
In a rotting grave of dead bones,
drift ghosts that are rather scary.

People see apparitions gliding at night,
ghostly workers rising from their graves.
The ghosts have given people a fright,
most people cannot be brave.

The mount was completed Halloween 1941,
and people stood there under a full moon.
Washington, Roosevelt, Lincoln, Jefferson,
their spirits guard over this ghostly ruin.

And although the spirits are tossing and turning,
The presidents spirits guard as if kings.
Will these spirits ever be returning?
It’s just among the world’s strangest things!

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Hidden Depths
By DS Davidson

In the hall of human-originated
Mutant bloodline ruler, far below
The recovering world, aeons on
Short and stunted beings plot
In concert with their computer god
Resume the war! Resume the war!”

Through ancient, lost chambers crawl
Expeditions seeking the magic words
To resurrect weapons of the gods
Send forth a second rain of fire
Scour the surface clean of life
Begin the cycle over anew…

Computatrum Regem
By Harris Coverley

beneath the mountain
megacomputer awaits
the final soldier —
broken he at last arrives…
but he’s forgot the passcode

the best laid plans of
men and machines — in the hall
of the mountain king

Issue 70 – Swords and Sorceries

swordsman faces foe
sorcerer weaving his spell
destiny awaits

By Aeronwy Dafies

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The Disgruntled Squire
By William Clunie

Sorry for your dead, m’lord, but life
is for the animate, the temporary
fortunate, and for now we’ll shuffle
on beyond the hill, our trail strewn
with eyeless skulls that one-time laughed
at scurvy jokes, that hold now not
a groat of wit, framed by bones
that might be fit to beat a drum;
a dirge of dreadful merriment….

…Alas, I’ll carry on, still carrying
your sword and lance, your shield
grimed with blood and tufts of gore,
trying to ignore the stark black bird
that haunts our trail, that chants
of nevermore, trying to ignore
your snarling demands, your orders barked;
do you know, m’lord, that even heroes
such as you must seek the desolation
of a deepest sleep? Perhaps I will fall lax
at nighttime guard and the wyvern
that do follow us will slip upon you
as you snore and send you to that vacant
fate whereto they sent so many of your brethren
just before. Those comrades in your arms,
most scurrilous they were, whipping
my poor soul for this and that, shall I pretend
at sorrow that they’re dead? You may cry,
Lord La-dee-da, you verray parfit gentil
knyght, in anguish at the loss of your companions,
but more vile they were than valiant, certes, Lord…

But I’ll go on, a minor figure in a blood-soaked
tale, continuing to play your confidant, your
chronicler, or when your errant knavery leads
to death of lord and churl I’ll become another
skull among the other skulls, a hollow carapace
for worms – but hark, my Lord, I hear
the creatures of the night come at us
for one more sweep, and will stand aside as you
swing your sword in all your doughty dignity
for this that might just be your final war…

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Sword and Spell
By DS Davidson

They will call him hero
Though he says he fights for coin
Not honour nor a cause
Regardless, the facts tell a tale
A terrible enchantment broken
A heartless necromancer slain
By guile as much as force of arms
Cutting short his final curse
Sword shattering spell
Saving a city from a cruel doom

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Temple Bruer
By Cardinal Cox

There’re whispers of what happens in the crypt
A skull mounted with silver upon it
Before which initiates soundly whipped
In thanks they sing praises once they’ve been hit

The old warriors brought such secrets home
Vile philosophies found in foreign lands
Such are heresies as declared by Rome
Here though they enact what’s been rightly banned

Baal Fomaat, they declaim the daemon’s name
And so is summoned, much against its will
For sinfulness of the flesh it is famed
Reluctantly grants wishes foul and I’ll

Sorceries conducted in sark of night
By those who wield great swords of righteous might

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Swords in the Dark
By DJ Tyrer

Within dark passageways chilling chants echo ominously, as much warning as guide. But, the brave band of warriors does not quail, striding instead deeper into the darkness.

Vile monstrosities warped from human flesh and dead things given vigour of unlife fall to blades of sword and axe as they fight their way through to the profane fane of some chthonic god.

Battle begins in earnest as masked and robed priests resist their incursion, but steel trumps madness.

The hierophant of the coven calls out to their god, but a knife to the back silences him before the portal opens. Victory.

Ends

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Blood for the Stone
By Harris Coverley

In the low lands of Cimmeria, a desolate expanse scarce of trees and close to the frontiers of the Border Kingdom, Saor made his way from place to forsaken place, hunting for a tip on who to rob next. Saor was a brigand, but, unlike most brigands, he was too unpleasant and scheming an individual to belong to a group of even them. He barely remembered his own mother, and had no warm memories outside of brief stops in bordellos. He lived purely to steal, and, if necessary, to murder.

It was in a tavern by a burnt out patch of oak trees that it was told to him by a merchant heading east of a village named Cloch and, upon a nearby hill, of Kil-Carraig, who lived in a strange cottage of unusual stone while the villagers below him lived in wooden huts. Kil-Carraig had long ago been a pirate on the ships that had pillaged and plundered the islands off Zingara down to the Black Coast and back, amassing a great personal fortune that had guaranteed him a comfortable old age now that his bones were spent. His weird dwelling was a source of rumour for miles around, namely that the former swashbuckler had carved it from some gorgon he had slain. Kil-Carraig himself was regarded as cursed, and most steered clear of him when he made rare trips beyond his home.

None of this disheartened Saor. He had no heart to do such a thing to. He set off at once over the rocky scrub, and within a day he had reached the village of Cloch, wherein the inhabitants reluctantly gave direction to Kil-Carraig’s cottage.

High on a bare hill, Saor, dressed as the pilgrim he often pretended to be for his victims, came across the bizarre site of a structure of carved silver stone, consisting of two blocks, the smaller to the left of where he had stopped to look. There were no windows as such, but several slits to let in light.

Saor went up to the small oak door in the larger block and knocked. It was answered by an ailing man, doubtlessly Kil-Carraig himself. Saor could see upon his browned skin the scars of many battles, and a look in his eyes of weariness. He had the aura of a man no longer fit for any strife—that was, for Saor, an ideal target.

The old man asked Saor who he was and without saying a word, the brigand showed him the ring on his middle finger. It immediately conveyed to Kil-Carraig that he was a worshipper of Ishtar, the Earth goddess of healing, and travelling on a pilgrimage from the far north to the southern lands of Shem, as many Ishtarites did. Without further ado, Kil-Carraig let Saor in, and made clear his intent to feed the pilgrim ready for his continuing journey tomorrow. Saor had been right to gamble that the aging pirate had become more pious as he neared death.

Saor sat at the table in the larger block, also seemingly carved from the same rock as the cottage.

As soon as the old man placed the finely gilded knife and fork before him in preparation for his meal, Saor, at an experienced and ruthless speed, grabbed the former and with a brutal force ripped it across his host’s neck in a single swipe.

The old man stood in shock, grasping at the wheezing incision, the blood streaming down his smock. Saor pushed him back, and he fell flat upon the solid floor, before turning over and twisting into the shape of an unborn child. Within another a moment he quivered one last time and was dead, Saor confirming it with a kick.

Saor pilfered the rings from the corpse’s cooling fingers as a pool of blood formed and became calm, darkening in the stale air. Saor wiped the knife clean on the dead man’s smock and pocketed it with the fork. He then began to search the whole cottage from top to bottom. Within minutes the hidden pockets of his garments were so full of trinkets and coins that he had to use one of the old man’s leather satchels to hold further booty.

However, as he was inspecting underneath Kil-Carraig’s bed, his joyous sacking was interrupted by a strange creaking.

Saor immediately got to his feet, his dagger drawn.

He came back slowly into the main room of the block where the body was, and looked about. The creaking came again, and he shouted, “Where are you?! Show yourselves you creeping pigs!”

A cold chill went through him—what if the old man was still alive?

His eyes shot to the body—no, the old man, already stiff in life, was solid with mortality.

But, Saor noticed a curious thing: the pool of blood had disappeared. He stood above where it had been, and saw a slender crack in the silver stone. Taking a thumb, he rubbed against the old man’s ripped neck, and flicked a spot of fresh crimson to the floor. It landed near the crack and Saor watched it like a ravenous cat watched a field mouse.

The droplet was at first inert, tranquil, but as the seconds passed it began to bend in the light, and sluggishly it made its way across the surface, entering the crack as though it had made a conscious choice to do so. As it disappeared, the house creaked louder than before; in fact, it groaned like a wounded beast.

The blood, thought Saor, recalling the old tales drunken woodsmen told around dying fires. The gorgon… the vitality of the stone…

Saor screamed as the walls suddenly started to contort, and the house as a whole began to shrink into itself with a terrible and unceasing lamentation.

He ran to the door, but in the way it was shrinking with the house the shattered wood crumpled over itself, trapping him in. He tried the slits, but as they themselves shrivelled he could not even fit his head through. Retreating to the middle of the dwindling room, he beat and thrashed Kil-Carraig’s body as though he was the one responsible.

As the stone closed against his shoulders, Saor put his hands to the ceiling and begged the gods themselves for forgiveness, before his screams became louder than the undead gorgon’s howling, and filled the valley below, ending with a sharp, final cut of sound.

It is said these days that if you ascend the hills near Cloch you will find several unusual stone cubes, ranging from a foot to a few feet high, the largest of which having a skeletal hand poking up through a crevice in the apex, the immovable ring of Ishtar on its middle finger.

Ends

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Yggdrasil of Adasam Sortie at the Salt Sea
By Wendy Webb

Millennia have been spent in Hades,
Where Yggdrasil’s tree is rooted upside-down.
For this is the light zone beyond the sun,
Where magma flows free and belches rarely
Into the dark round earth.
I’m climbing now, the hard way,
Clanking those chains I’m Scrooge to part with,
Except nothing hurries my flight back
To gestating rock and sinews of my world.
I’m birthing after this long haunting trip,
Remembering that last time, when chains
Of armour plate and swords and shields
Rang across the valley to the living sea.
Salt phantoms now, across that ocean floor,
I long to sense those branches spreading down.
The thin sky’s hiding lizards, snakes and deities
Harping on about feather-light breath
Vanquishing our legion. Didn’t they hear
Plots of women, children, grown men crying.
Beyond the roots of sky to understand.
This ancient ruin’s nothing now: hanging
Palaces, richly draped like grapevines;
Wine flowed free.
I’m climbing now, so light as lava spreading,
Black sand of darkest deep leaps high
With fire. Soon these rocks will sink,
Buried with our legion. Salt markers – all –
ADASAM will sink beside its deepest Salt Sea.

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The Blind Warrior
Seven foes ready their spears
Seven fall unseen

By DJ Tyrer

Issue 69 – Rifts

We travel in Time and Space.
Find rift between them…
journey anywhere and when.

By David Edwards

Portal between worlds
Momentary opening
Fissure then closes
What went through – both ways – now trapped
Unable to return home

By Aeronwy Dafies

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Shifting
By K. A. Williams

One second here,
next second there.
A brand new place,
out of thin air.

It all looks strange,
the grass is blue.
How I got here,
I have no clue.

I can’t go back,
the rift has shut.
And then I see
a light grey mutt.

It walks my way
and talks to me.
“You don’t fit in,
who might you be?”

I say, “I’m Chris.
How do you do?”
“Oh, I’m all right.
My name is Drew.”

He changes form,
becomes a man.
“Well, that’s a first,”
I say deadpan.

“Can I return
to where I was?”
He shook his head.
“I know this ’cause,

I’ve tried before,
I can’t get back.
I sure do miss
my own wolf pack.”

“You can shape-shift.”
He nods. “That’s true.
Can you believe
I’m from Earth too.”

“We can escape,
I see a light.”
I say to him,
“I know I’m right.”

We step back through,
to where we were.
The wolf runs fast
till he’s a blur.

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Gate between two worlds
Strange things pass through unnoticed
Carry home a snack

By DJ Tyrer

DJ Tyrer’s website is at https://djtyrer.blogspot.co.uk/

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Portal to Purgatorio
By Mark Hudson

Let’s go to Purgatorio
through a narrow door.
We’ll eat an Oreo,
we’ll cook a S’more.

We’ll commit a vice,
and call it a virtue.
We’ll do it twice,
and claim it’s new.

We’ll read an allegory,
guided by Virgil.
Beatrice tells the story,
and Winston Churchill.

We’ll go to the Island Shore,
and we’ll see Gilligan.
The skipper is on tour,
he looks like a gorilla man.

Down to the Casella,
to the north of Tiber.
Who sings about Stella?
Maybe Justin Bieber.

The troubadour of Sordello,
is from Mantua.
He is in bordellos,
with vices gargantuan.

Free will is discussed,
with Marco Lombardo.
Lucille Ball fussed
over Ricky Ricardo.

We go through the terraces
of the seven deadly sins.
Nothing embarrasses,
but you leave with a grin.

After going through the portals,
you arrive Monday morning.
Back to work as a mortal,
and nothing is more boring.

The paradise was lost,
but you won’t find it here.
The closest you’ll get,
is a case full of beer.

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Rifts
By DJ Tyrer

Not your standard, stable
Back-of-a-wardrobe portal
Linking two worlds like a bridge
But, a sudden, violent rip
Tearing a rift from one to another
Two times, places, dimensions, states
Bemused travellers step through
Lost in a world not their own
Monsters surge through, hungry
To cause chaos, kill
Magic leaks, or strange matter penetrates
Only for it to close
As if it never were

Rapture/Rupture
By Harris Coverley

breaking into hell
tentacles burning in light
blue-blue-green-green Earth —
not at all suitable for
ninth dimensional beings

Issue 68 – Dropship Troopers

The troops are ready
Long live our God emperor!
Let the anthem play

By Nieske den Heijer

terror out of space
not alien invaders
but human troopers

By Aeronwy Dafies

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Drop From Orbit
By DS Davidson

We ride the atmosphere
Down from orbit
Dropships filled with troops
Buffeted by the thickening air
And retro-rockets’ blast
That slam into the ground
We debark still dazed from impact
Firing wildly at anything
That isn’t a friendly
Return fire batters our armour
Nigh as thick as a tank’s
Artificial servo-muscles tighten
Providing speed and strength
Overwhelming the enemy
In terms of morale and militarily
We stride across the surface
Personifications of our God
Emperor of all space
Deities of adamantium
Lacking compassion and the capacity
To fail in our appointed task

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Mal Galeef
By Harris Coverley

The poet said:

colonial troop
man and alien alike
assigned enemy —
fighting for Old Earth’s empire
that drive for cosmic conquest

The soldier replied:

my name is Galeef
first name Malko — Phobos-born
and on Deimos raised —
my true battles internal
I am much still my own man

The poet replied:

you are empire’s tool
imperial policeman —
a blood-soaked unit
whether blood is red or green
you still take your pay and drink

The solider replied:

yes this soldier drinks
and so would you if you’d seen
the things that I’ve seen —
don’t ramble proudly poet
no gun but I have my fists!

The poet replied:

that is all you have:
the threat of force against those
who stand in your way —
distilled into the one beast:
xenocidal human race

The solider replied:

I obey orders
for that is my sworn duty
I am a rough man —
I am so on your behalf —
something you don’t understand!

rough and ready men
visit violence on the dark
so you can sleep sound

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On A Far and Distant World
By DJ Tyrer

In the lantern-light of bioluminescent cells
And the glow of a raging firmament,
A hero locks and loads his weapon,
Closing his polished-silver visor:
A fusillade of fragmentation shells
Clears his way of opposition;
H.E. blasts an entranceway.

Black armour like a beetle learnt to walk upright
Gives humanity’s saviour an alien anonymity.

Scuttling horrors of unearthly physiology appear
From all directions at once, overpowering
The hero, despite his rapid fire
And deadly, whirling blades:
Inhuman ichors mix with all-too-human blood
Creating unsettling swirls
With a soundtrack of pain.

Still twitching, not quite lifeless, dragged off
To provide a host in the birthing chamber…

Originally published in Handshake

It is almost time.
Who are we fighting today?
Never mind, let’s go!

By Nieske den Heijer

Issue 67 – Fantastic Weather

Bronze
By Harris Coverley

skies bronze—thick and dense
an arenose alloy world
foundries in the clouds
drizzling down sharp flakes of death
upon luckless astronauts

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There are ghosts within that wind:
shouts through distant trees;
the siren screams of phone wires;
object disrespect –
children’s toys and neighbour’s tools;
upon our own porch
unoccupied chair rocking…
window pane whispers…
the unhinged door opening,
then closing behind,
some guests you’ve not invited.

By David Edwards

Snow Queen
By Aeronwy Dafies

Frozen beauty, heart
Mistress of the icy north
Hidden by snowfall
Wishes only to be loved
Ever thwarted by herself

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Fairy Tale
By Ken Poyner

The clouds are painted, but the moon polished. As the clouds keep drifting away, the painters tape off another section of sky. They consult on the particular hue for this tranche – are they depicting a seamless day of invincible uniformity, or portraying change, the beginning of darker or lighter or more entertaining days? There is no question with the moon. The moon circles unchanging. The phases come of big brother Earth stealing the moon’s sun. Polish it once, occasionally inspect for touch-up. The girl bonds to this work with energy to waste. It profits me: I have slept with her.

Ends

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The Truck in Oz
By K. A. Williams

The whirlwind lifted up me and my truck and sailed us through the air. I ain’t never been so sick to my stomach.

When the wind finally set us down, the truck bumped over something and took off. I heard yelling and looked in the rear view mirror at a bunch of midgets shaking their little fists. Something white and sparkly glittered on the road behind me. That must have been what I’d landed on. Wonder what it was?

Nothing seemed familiar. I didn’t think I was in my hometown anymore. Was that a scarecrow hanging up in a cornfield? Yep it was. And it turned its head to look at me as I passed. Creepy.

If I hadn’t been staring at the tin man standing in front of a tree with his axe frozen in mid-air, I might not have hit the lion that ran out into the road in front of me. But honestly I couldn’t stop the truck in time.

SMACK! I got out and checked the beast. Dead. I examined the road I’d been on. First time I ever seen one made out of yellow bricks. I drug the lion into the woods and covered it with leaves and some twigs.

I was fixing to get back in my truck when I noticed something in the sky. Was that a witch coming toward me on a broom? Yep. Ugliest woman I done ever seen. Just my type. I took off my cowboy hat when she landed in front of me. “Howdy ma’am.”

“Are you the one that killed my sister?”

Uh-oh. “Did she have on a sparkly white dress?”

“Yes.”

“Why ma’am it were an accident. My truck and me got picked up by a whirlwind that just sat us down where it pleased. I’m awful sorry.”

She smiled. It were a gruesome sight, my heart pounded in excitement.

“Don’t be sorry, I never liked her.”

“Is that right? How about giving me a reward then?”

“What kind of reward?”

“A kiss. That’s all I want. For now, anyway.” I winked.

She smiled again. “Well, what are you waiting on?”

I moved closer and kissed her. What we done after that ain’t nobody else’s business.

The End

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Weather Report
By Ken Poyner

The clouds kept coming down, kissing our ground. At first, the clouds simply touched down. Then they began to compact. They grew dense and it became hard to move about in them. It was as though trudging through water thigh deep, with the mist of clouds above. Finally, the tops of the clouds passed below eye level, and there was the sun. The clouds, still compacting, settled so low and hard that we could lift our feet out and walk on a macadam made of cloud alone. Nothing blocked the sun and we thought fearfully of the coming rainy season.

Ends

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Tornado From Oz
By DJ Tyrer

In reverse scenario
Twister spirals over the rainbow
Depositing a bemused witch
And a dozen irritating Munchkins
Atop a bland Kansas-dwelling farmer
Resulting in lawsuits, insurance claims
But – no quests, nor murder
Just a great deal of confusion
And, unending asylum claims

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Tornado
By Mark Hudson

The tornado was haemorrhaging
Over dim skies and towns
Thinning out the herd

Cutting through, reaping
Damaged nation, nothing new
Soon it will be old news

Houses demolished
An entire town laid flat
People sucked out of mobile homes

A jail in Kentucky affected
But nobody was able to escape
Not fair to the prisoners

Blonde haired blue eyed girl
Found abandoned in a field
Returned to her parents

Why do we question mortality?
We laugh at death
Till it’s our turn to go…

Issue 64 – Krampus Night

The Horns
By Harris Coverley

underneath the tree
bloody footprints – no presents!
Krampus strikes again!
that dark knight of Christmastide –
naughty-judged forevermore!

Must be Krampus
By Cardinal Cox

(with apologies to H. Moore & B. Fredericks and any other Schnitzelbank adapters)

Who has tiny shiny hooves?
Who scampers up on roofs?
Who carries heavy chains and whips?
Who brands liars on their lips?
Who punishes naughty kids?
Who bangs all the dustbin lids?
Who is armed with twigs of birch?
Who sees you if you flirt in church?
Who turns the milkmaids mad?
Who’s got servants just as bad?
Chatterer, Batterer, Clatterer and Snips
Gobbler, Wobbler, Hobbler and Chips
Shiny hooves, up on roofs
Chains and whips, brands liar’s lips
Punishes kids, dustbin lids
Twigs of birch, flirt in church
Turns milkmaids mad, servants as bad
Chatterer, Batterer, Clatterer and Snips
Gobbler, Wobbler, Hobbler and Chips
Must be Krampus
Must be Krampus
Must be Krampus
On Krampusnacht !

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Krampus versus Santa Claus
By Mark Hudson

Santa Claus appears in the ice so frozen,
Krampus appears in his lederhosen.
Santa receives a warm cup of milk,
Krampus looks for presents to bilk.

Santa Claus has a bunch of reindeer,
Krampus likes to wear brassiere.
Santa Claus brings presents on a sleigh,
Krampus is looking for reindeer to slay.

Santa Claus has a big belly button,
Krampus likes to chomp on some mutton.
Santa Claus lives way in the North Pole,
Krampus is a terrible soul.

Santa Claus grants children’s wishes,
Krampus makes children suspicious.
Santa Claus has bright red cheeks,
Krampus is one among many freaks.

Santa takes trips to Fort Lauderdale,
Krampis makes frequent visits to jail.
Santa Claus is loved by kindergarteners,
Krampus goes to court and has no pardoners.

Santa Claus climbs up on people’s roof,
Krampus is crushed by reindeer’s hoof.
Santa Claus has a reindeer named Rudolph,
Krampus sort of resembles Adolph.

Santa is Jolly, Krampus is folly,
Krampus looks like Salvador Dali.
Santa checks all the children’s lists,
when Krampus dies, he won’t be missed.

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I Remember
By Nieske den Heijer

It is Christmas and again I am forced into the horrible red suit with the fur lining. After all these years it still does not fit me well and the fake beard itches. But I endure it, as I feel my wait is almost over. Most people have forgotten my name, my face and my purpose. But I have never forgotten, deep down I remember who I am.

The new guise humanity has bestowed on me is infuriating; rewarding the good is admirable but I feel forced to reward the naughty as well. I can already hear the tantrums; mostly children who believe they are owed more than they deserve. The child who thinks the thirty gifts are not enough. The teenager who is already complaining on social media because they got a white tablet and not a pink one. The spouse who wanted a diamond necklace but only got a diamond ring and will now not speak to their betrothed for the rest of the season. Each of their cries flows through me and gives me strength.

Soon you will all invite me in for the gift-giving, unaware of who I really am. You see a jolly old man with his sack full of presents. But I am Krampus and I look forward to dragging you all into the deep, dark forests. Just like the old days, I am looking forward to it.

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misleading Christmas
behind the stockings and gifts
Krampus stalks the dark

By Aeronwy Dafies

Issue 60 – Bad Guys

Remember, remember – the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason, and plot…

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Damp November day
Barrels full of gunpowder
Change of government
Guy Fawkes laments his failure
Burns in place of Parliament

By DS Davidson

Guy Fawkes,
once flesh and blood…
then effigy of straw
mocked in rhyme…
now a mask frozen
in time.

By David Edwards

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Flames of Westminster
By Cardinal Cox

Mercenary working for zealots’ pay
Simply a gun out for what he could earn
Ready to light a fuse and run away
Willing to see all unbelievers burn

Inquisition waiting to scour this land
Ignition to be a spark underground
All these things the evil cabal had planned
If gun powder barrels had not been found

William Godwin let Westminster catch fire
Guardsmen worked to save old dry vellum laws
Flames engulfed old chimneys and reach higher
Red wax seals melting – dripping on floors

Don’t celebrate Fawkes at this time of year
Instead give William Godwin’s name a cheer

Footnote: Late in the life of the anarchist William Godwin he was awarded an honorary position as Yeoman Usher of the Exchequer, which included grace and favour apartments in the Palace of Westminster. His duties included the overseeing the provision of fire buckets and the sweeping of chimneys. Both of which he neglected. On 16 October 1832, while he was out at the theatre, a fire broke out that destroyed the Palace. No lives were lost.

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Revenge Night
By DJ Tyrer

Limbs stuffed with newspaper twitch
Irate at the end plotted for them
Not complicit in Guy Fawkes’s crimes
Object to ongoing annual punishment
Set forth into the streets
Not seeking pennies but revenge
Seize fireworks-throwers and drag them back
Throw them upon the pyre
Enjoy the fiery spectacle

Anger
By Aeronwy Dafies

Scarecrow climbs down from post
Outraged at treatment of city kin
Seeks gunpowder for act of vengeance
Builds a bonfire for the vanities
To consume the urban blight

Issue 58 – Samhain Scares

radiant Fair Folk
ride forth from gates in hillside
buried with the dead
yesterday’s forgotten gods
returning for just one night

By Aeronwy Dafies

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The Leprechaun
By Mark Hudson

Deep in the heart of Dublin,
is some news that is troubling.
Every year at all hallows eve,
a leprechaun comes to deceive.

As kids go out to collect candy,
the leprechaun drinks his brandy.
He loves to create a little scaring,
his masquerade is overbearing.

A short little creepy freak,
green as the rivers that leak.
St. Patrick might’ve driven out the snakes,
but the leprechaun is there for souls to take.

He waits by the graveyard, singing a tune,
haunting like Celts, and ancient ruins.
As the kids walk by, on a dare,
the leprechaun is there to scare.

The kids have heard the legend before,
but they dismiss it as folklore.
But there is the leprechaun, bags of gold,
promising the kids they’ll never grow old.

He looks at them with his green eyes,
he almost seems to hypnotize.
But the kids make a great getaway,
and the leprechaun begins to fade away.

He’ll be haunting the graveyard next year,
this leprechaun damned to drink beer!

Samhain
By DS Davidson

Celtic New Year
Echoed in modern lore
Night of the living and the dead
Spirits from days of yore
Slip through from the other-side
Through half-open spirit door

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Bobbing
By Cardinal Cox

Just one ripened apple less in the tub
Than there are blindfolded competitors
And in some of the fruit burrow a grub
Tonight’s the night the sidhe open their doors

There is one whose face is in the water
Who will never grab a prize with their mouth
Now no longer someone’s son or daughter
A dread barge waits on waves to take them south

They failed the contest of the Samhain bob
So now they go to the dark harvest isle
In the punt’s one with a terrible job
Out amongst the fen by many a mile

Autumn is going – winter is ahead
One less mouth that will never now be fed

An Old-Fashioned Hallowe’en
By DJ Tyrer

Half-forgotten:
Days of apple-bobbing
Spouse-revealing rituals
And, believing Jack-o’-lanterns
Were for more than cheap decoration.
Simple sheet ghosts
Papier-mâché masks:
No plastic or other tat;
Possibility that the dead
Were somewhere close by.
An old fashioned Hallowe’en…

Originally published in Siren’s Call

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Issue 56 – Once Upon A Time…

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The Kiss
By Ken Poyner


I do not remember ever being a prince, nor ever wanting to be one. Solitude, hidden in the damp grass that grows in two inches of swamp water awaiting the hapless insect to crawl or fly within tongue’s reach. I never wanted anything more. It was you, princess, who had grandiose expectations. My thoughts were moments of reaction. Yours cross time and causality, tethering beginnings and endings. Your fantasies ensnare other’s worlds. Then the capture, the kiss, and I am a character in your time-line, a minion dropped into your version of history yet-to-be. A role. Not one I wanted.

www.kpoyner.com

www.barkingmoosepress.com

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Cheat
By Aeronwy Dafies

In prospect of her marriage day
Maiden signed her unconceived child away
Then, complained, “It’s unfair, this unholy mess!”
Said the dwarf, “A loophole: If my name you can guess…”
He vanished away and hid in his hovel
Imagining how the new princess would grovel
But the dwarf was just a little daft
And sang his name as he danced and laughed…
Was overheard by a passing squire
Who hurried to the princess high in her spire
So she said to the dwarf, “I don’t know how to begin…
A random guess… oh… Rumpelstiltskin!”

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Bad Day For Rapunzel
By K. A. Williams

Roger lived in a poor kingdom whose only income was taxes squeezed out of the even poorer peasants.

But he knew how to help the kingdom. Word was that a witch had imprisoned King Leopold’s daughter in a tower and her father was offering 500 gold coins to her rescuer.

He searched weeks for a tower and finally found one, but there was no door. A young maiden was brushing her hair which hung out of the only window. If he stood on his horse he could reach the long golden strands.

“Ouch!” Rapunzel said as he climbed up her hair. “That hurts.”

Roger slid into the window and pulled out his sword.

She cringed.

“Relax. I’m just going to cut your hair off and make a rope. I’ll tie it to that bedpost. Then I’ll carry you down on my back.”

“Thank you. My father, King Ferdinand, will reward you by marrying us. You shall be a prince.”

“Isn’t your father King Leopold?”

“No, that’s Rachel. She’s in a different tower. The same witch has imprisoned us both.”

Roger sheathed his sword, grabbed Rapunzel’s hair and jumped out of the window.

“Ouch! Why are you leaving?”

“I’m going to rescue Rachel instead. Her father is offering 500 gold coins for her return.”

He reached the ground and let go of her hair.

She leaned out the window. “Don’t leave me here! Don’t you want to be a prince?”

Roger mounted his horse and looked up. “I’m already a prince, but I’ll tell the next knight I see where you are.”

The End

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The Apple Girl
By Goran Lowie

when a childless king berated his queen
for not giving him any children
she asked in despair
why she couldn’t bear
children as trees
could bear apples.

after nearly a decade
she finally gave birth
horrified to find
not a son
but an apple.

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For Three Beans
By Ken Poyner

Quibble unloaded the magic beans on a yokel named Jack, who left him a cow in the bargain. Quibble knows almost nothing about cows. This one seems happy to stand in the yard, shearing grass. Quibble understands the worth of the cow resides in milking. Though a mammal of different feather, Quibble can be sustained by this animal’s milk. He will have to find someone to extract it. Might the milk be magic? Likely no more than the beans, but best to be sure. Perhaps the milking agent can be paid in product, and Quibble can safely gauge the outcome.

Poisoned Apple poem

Once…
By Harris Coverley

Once upon a merry time
There was a maiden fair and graced
Hair up which horny suitors climbed
Until it blew up in her face:
One way too fat the journey made —
Out the window the price she paid!

Once upon a merry time
Three pigs lived three houses true
When faced with that bad wolf prime
To his amazement they all flew!
For pigs have wings in fancy tales
(And can be seen thanks to the ale)

Once upon a merry time
Two siblings strolling through the woods
And found occasion for a crime:
Robbing an old woman of her goods!
Her candied walls, table and chairs
Her life too in the oven unspared!

Once upon a merry time
Strolling through some different woods
Some young red hood late for teatime
An inexpert wolf out for blood
Poor lupine done in by a kid
Throat slashed with wicker basket lid

Once upon a merry time
A sleeping beauty amongst the bush
A prince fighting through the grime
Kiss lain upon lips in a rush
Bastard, I was sleeping!” she did say
I’ll never doze now—so go away!”

haiku 2

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